Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.
Hello beautiful goddess.
I stand before you as a woman comfortable in her own skin (most of the time!), confident in her vision and mission, with a circle of support around her that makes her feel like the luckiest person alive. Today, I'd like to share with you my story... a story from 10 years ago, where my own journey towards wellness and self care truly began.
Back then, I'd just split up from my live in boyfriend, and I didn't realise just how tender and naive I still was. He was every parent's nightmare, which made him all the more appealing for me. His lifestyle was incredibly self destructive, and it was one of the many factors that eventually tore us apart. My understanding of relationships at that point was based on everything the media and Hollywood had sold to me - two halves equal the whole. It's 'romantic' if a relationship is torturous, it means you truly 'love' each other. After two and a half years of this emotional turmoil, our relationship came to a crashing halt when I discovered that he was being unfaithful. The realisation literally broke my young soul into pieces.
This event spearheaded what would become the most horrific year of my life. I found depths of self hatred and punishment that I never even knew existed within me. All of a sudden I wanted to be out at night, every night, as often as I could, to avoid the stillness of being alone with my thoughts. The people I surrounded myself with didn't have my best interests at heart, and were similarly lost and confused. Drugs, alcohol and overspending were my go to 'fixes'... and a revolving door of men who I would never, ever have been drawn to had I not been in so much pain. It came to the point where I forgot what it was that I was trying to forget.
How I am still alive today only further confirms my belief that we have guardians watching over us. I would intentionally put myself into dangerous situations, take a concoction of substances in one evening, or squash my inner voice into the tiniest recess I could find. If I'm perfectly honest, I would have gone on with this behaviour for a lot longer until I wound up dead, or worse, had my body not sent me a very strong message. For a while, I tried my very best to ignore it. After a few weeks I had no choice but to listen... my lower belly was on fire. Not with an STD, but a serious infection of my ovaries that needed some of the strongest antibiotics I've ever taken. Moreover, my periods had stopped completely. The thought of not being able to have children some day because of my actions, shook me to my core. It made me truly question why I was still acting out, when essentially our break up was the best thing to ever happen to me.
During the healing process years later, I would often go back in my mind and give this incarnation of myself the deepest, most loving hug I could muster in my imagination. I was operating from a place where I had put so much of my self esteem and purpose into the hands of my ex. I was not whole, or taking time to look after myself, because I didn't feel that I deserved it. Rather than filling myself up from within, I wanted something or someone to desperately fill that void.
I remember coming out from the doctor with the prescription in my hands, and crying in my mother's arms out of relief mixed with fear. From that day onwards, I began to pull back from my night life, and nurture myself. Thanks to Traditional Chinese Medicine, Yoga, Meditation and whole foods, I took ownership of my health and wellness - and my periods eventually came back.
My message for you today, beautiful goddess, is to listen to your body. If it is sending you a signal where something doesn't feel right, is sore, doesn't operate as well as it could - get it checked out. Never take your health for granted, as this body is the only one you're going to get. Speak to a friend or family member, and ask them to go to the doctor with you. Often times we're scared of what the results will be, but it can be a lot worse if you keep putting if off for weeks, months or even years. I really encourage you to be proactive and find the answers your body is asking you for.
For anyone suffering from reproductive issues, I cannot recommend highly enough Dr Lily Liu, who through Chinese herbs and acupuncture healed me back to health.
I would LOVE to read your comments below - has your body sent you a strong message in the past? What did it take for you to finally listen?
Thank you so much for reading this week’s Monday Meditation.
In love and gratitude