“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
― Albert Einstein
Hello beautiful goddess
I'm sure we have all experienced moments of deep frustration with our other halves. Your horns are locked in a stalemate, and neither side feels like compromising in this particular moment. Taking a deep breath or being centred are the furthest things from your mind, as you forget to practice what you preach. As much as we love our partners, inevitably there will be moments of impatience, unmet desires and wishing that they could better understand our point of view.
It can be tempting to nag, berate or just plain explode in order to finally be heard. Unfortunately, this never works, and usually only encourages them to retreat deeper and deeper into the safety of an emotional man cave. "Women often assume they don’t care when, in fact, they are overwhelmed by the emotions that the conflict arouses in him,” according to Jed Diamond, author of The Irritable Male Syndrome.
He thinks: If only she’d shut up.
She thinks: If only he’d listen and talk with me.
Even and especially when one person feels she or he is getting her or his way in a relationship, that person may begin to resent and lose respect for the other, and then act in unbecoming ways that further poison the interactions. Each person must find a way to speak up for their needs and be heard, which of course is easier said than done.
Here are 3 ways to bring more love and less struggle into life with your beloved:
1. Learn to walk away
As a Wellness Coach, I love endless communication and getting to the bottom of emotional problems. This in conflict, drives my husband crazy. I was very guilty of forcing him in the past to tell me what was going through his mind, when we didn't seem to be achieving a common ground. After trying this tactic unsuccessfully for many years, I now actively give him the space to retreat into his man cave. If I can feel that I am just not getting anywhere in that moment, the best thing I can do is walk away and give him time. The first time I tried that, he actually gave me such heartfelt thanks hours later, that I knew this was the way forward. I didn't go off in a huff, rather just acknowledged that I felt he may need time, and carried on with getting ready for our dinner with friends.
2. Speak kindly
In no way am I suggesting swallowing your needs up and continuing as if nothing happened. Rather, I'm inviting you to allow the situation to cool down and approach each other with kindness later. You can explain in a calm tone of voice how much and why it would truly mean to you if they e.g. helped you around the house more or understood your financial concerns. Also find a way to express your appreciation for what they are doing right, and how much this means to you as well. Once you feel you have been heard, move on. "You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar" is an old cliche, but never more true than in matters of the heart. Try a different way of communicating with your partner based on mutual respect and communication, rather than demands or overreactions. Try to end the conversation with a kiss or a hug, and never go to bed angry!
3. Fill yourself up
Lack of appreciation, past hurts, exhaustion and miscommunication are some of the most common reasons that couples argue. When we focus on what we don't have, rather than what we do have, we become a minefield of tension waiting to explode. It's important to realise that no one person is not going to meet all of your needs, no matter how fantastic they are. It's important to fill yourself up during the day, and spend time doing what you love. Whether it's taking photos in nature for no one but yourself, dancing like mad in the kitchen to your favourite song when the house is empty or getting a monthly massage because you deserve it. If you spend more time taking care of yourself, and less time waiting for your partner to behave the way you'd like them to, you will allow the feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction to be replaced by something much healthier - a feeling of being whole from within.
What insights did you gain from today's post? How have you improved communication in your own relationship? I would love to hear from you in the comments below. Please also share this post with any sister who would benefit from some soul reflection on matters of the heart.
Thank you so much for reading this week’s Monday Meditation.
In love and gratitude