Spiritual, Single & Searching was born out of a feeling of wanting to share the wild ride from troubled wife, to finding love again in my mid-thirties, whilst not wanting to settle - ever. I believe in leading by example and have come to learn that my purpose, passion, vision and mission in life is to teach others to love themselves first and then love their partner – fiercely.
To those kind souls who have said to me, “let it go, it will happen when you least expect it”, I say the following:
When you are hungry, all you can think of is food to fill your belly.
When you are poor, your only concern is finding a way to pay the next bill.
When you are overweight, you count calories until you become cross eyed.
When your next career opportunity comes along, you burn the midnight oil to prepare.
As I’ve said before, I was born a lover.
Rather than come from a place of desperation or longing, I’m loving myself more deeply than ever before.
I’m open to advances from men who are worthy of me and I of them.
No longer do I engage in scarcity mentally or worry about ending up a lonely cat lady (although I do love a good-looking feline!).
I hope these stories inspire you to keep loving, yourself and others. Part Carrie Bradshaw confessional, part Danielle La Porte ‘no bullshit, you’ve got this babe’, my wish is that by sharing my journey of calling in my king, you can learn from the mistakes I’ve proudly made!
My ex-husband is a part time model, full time construction worker. Cliché, I know. His latest campaign is up on a shop window in Bondi Beach, on the main road that I navigate my heart and car around these days.
If this blog were a TV sit com, the opening scene would zoom in on my smiling face, full of joy on the way to another date, to meet yet another seemingly ‘conscious man’. I would give a friendly wave to the frozen image of my ex as I drove past his billboard, knowing that we were both somehow in on the joke of how bizarre this all was. All of the changes that have transpired since we separated lives almost two years ago now, but both of us the better for it.
But back to the opening scene of me in the car. I found parking right outside a hipster health food restaurant, to meet my most recent adventure in love: a blonde Bondi Brit, *Alistair. I didn’t find him physically attractive, but was drawn in by our countless common interests and ability to chew the fat on anything from quantum physics to our favourite album’s from the 90’s. The fact that my mentor also taught him Vedic meditation was a huge point in his favour, although we didn’t actually meet through him (the coincidences that have come to pass through my love life do not cease to cause me some serious wonder).
So my divine intervention and a lesson from the universe?
Pay attention. A man will reveal his red flags within the first date. Seriously, pay attention, please.
Alistair was four months fresh out of a broken engagement, I had a strong intuition that he was not looking for a relationship. He confirmed my suspicion at the end of our first date. Once we had spent a lovely night consisting of great food, amazing conversation and kissing, of course. When I gave him an off the cuff compliment, his response was "whatever you do, don't fall in love with me". Yes, that would have been the moment to pay attention!
We both looked at each other wistfully and with respect, at what could have been, had we been on the same page. Him: casual dating that allowed him to fuck other women. Me: simply enjoying each other’s company, not rushing anywhere, exclusively.
At this point in the episode, the viewer really hopes that they manage to work things out. And unfortunately, that’s exactly what we attempted. Like two magnets, we kept contacting each other, and agreed to go out to dinner again with the delusion that we had crossed over to reason. Him: she’s up for casual. Me: he’s open to seeing where it goes, exclusively.
Our second date ended with us passing smouldering grandfather sage over each other’s aura’s to cleanse the energy (all my spiritual girls moaned with envy when I told them, as it was his idea) and our third date consisted of a vegetarian degustation dinner with matching juices for each course (no, I’m not kidding). He didn’t drink alcohol or coffee, smoke or take drugs. He was gluten, sugar and dairy free. He made me laugh hysterically. He was incredibly intelligent and aroused me mostly with his quick witted mind. He went to a weekly men’s group. He meditated twice a day. Can you hear the sound of the boxes going tick, tick, tick?
The one deal breaker? His complete avoidance of commitment at forty-three years of age.
By the third date, enough oxytocin had been released around him that I began to find him more physically attractive. What I also found very attractive was how much he seemed to desire me. Women want to be hunted and desired. The tea he had made us in his apartment was left to cool down altogether as we allowed all reason to fly out the window…
Once back on the couch, we listened to music until late. He played the guitar, I sang along and wore his t-shirt. When the question of me spending the night came up, the look on his face was one of utter horror, and all sense of unity disappeared as quickly as a sun shower. “Umm… sure… as long as you know this isn’t heading towards a relationship.”
Remember what I said about the red flags? I really hope you’re paying attention, dear reader, and save yourself this kind of humiliation. It’s the main reason I share these stories with you, after all. I walked out of his apartment and requested that he never contact me again.
It seemed a cheap pass on his request to let him know I got home safely.
My simple advice and universal learnings:
Communicate openly and honestly about what you’re looking for, and if it doesn’t match up, there are plenty more fish in the sea baby. Never assume that the person you’re dating has magically changed their mind, unless you’ve had a conversation that confirms this. And most of all pay attention often, as actions speak louder than words.
The episode would end with a shot of me driving home on Bondi Road, winking at the billboard of my ex, and saying “better luck next time, eh?!”.
Spiritual, Single & Searching
*Alistair's name has been changed to ensure that this article is written more as a tool for growth rather than shaming the person… as Queen B sings, ‘My momma taught me better than that’.